Thursday, November 30, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Pope Benedict Visits Turkey

Thanks to his controversial comments linking Islam to violence, Pope Benedict's historic visit to Turkey has been received with about as much fan fare among Turkish Muslims as you would find in the audience of Harlem's Apollo Theater, if Michael Richards were performing ;)

During his visit the Pope has called for dialogue between Christians and Muslims, which sounds like a great idea... except for the fact that the tension which exists between these two religions is not caused by one another, but instead is created from deep within them self.

The way I see it, if Pope Benedict wants "authentic dialogue" between Islam and Christianity, then he first needs to work towards creating an authentic environment for that reconciliation to take place. In order for that to be achieved, Christian and Muslim leaders need to look within their own religion and deal with the extremists, who prevent such attempts from ever being successful.

Of course, this is easier said than done because nobody, not even a fundamentalist, ever considers them self to be an "extremist".

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Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Britney Spears Snatches Media Attention

Eww... Something stinks in Hollywood and it's not just the bigotry ;)

Apparently, certain young female celebrities in the U.S. seem to have decided that just because in their "profession" there is no such thing as "bad press", there is absolutely no need to even try to provide the media with anything "good" to say about them. Instead, they just use their bad publicity to play the role of good P.R. and sadly for the most part, this method seems to work.

That being said, relying on not-so-candid crotch shots to earn a spot in the tabloids is a lot different than using them to help restart a stalled music career. So, while there may be no such thing as "bad press" to those who've always relied upon it, for a "generational icon" like Britney Spears, she’d be far better off keeping a lid on her labias and going home to her "babias" ;)

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Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Today's Cartoon: NBC News Declares Civil War in Iraq

Although it may seem that the White House has little or no control over the current conditions in Iraq, it certainly appears to have a handle on what terminology the U.S. media can use to describe it... Or at least it did until NBC decided that it was going to start calling the conflict a "civil war".

You see, up until this point, it didn't really matter to the Bush Administration how dire the situation actually got in Iraq because back in the United States it always remained the same; on the verge of chaos... but not quite. However, in order to achieve this safety buffer between Iraq and the White House, the American mainstream media has been forced to rely on some clever “wordsmithing” in order to describe an ongoing civil war, without actually calling it one.

But now it's reached a point that when terms like "sectarian slaughter" are being used as alternatives to "civil war", the U.S. media is no longer doing the White House any favors, so they might as well just go ahead and call it what it really is... a complete and total "clusterf*ck".

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Monday, November 27, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Silvio Berlusconi Faints During Rally Speech

For some strange reason, political figures collapsing at the podium seems to be a fairly regular occurrence. To me this seems extremely odd, considering the inherent cushiness of the profession. I mean, who knew that besides getting shot, one of the other occupational hazards of being a politician would be over exertion while delivering a speech ;)

Oh sure, some of these politicial figures I'm referring to may be considered old and feeble, but if you take into account that many of them have never done an honest day's work in their life, then they should still be in much better condition than their blue collar counterparts... Or perhaps this is the problem.

Maybe it is because many of these so-called "career politicians" are so used to living such cozy lifestyles that they have become soft to the point that for them, delivering a simple speech in the heat of the spotlight, is the equivalent to shoveling mounds of manure on a hot summer's day. Then again, that analogy could probably apply to just about anyone afiliated with politics; not because they find delivering speeches strenuous... but because they thoroughly enjoy the "smell" of their own bullsh*t ;)

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Friday, November 24, 2006

Today's Cartoon: American Thanksgiving Marred By Iraq Violence

Experts say that the reason why Americans usually feel lethargic during Thanksgiving is due to a chemical in turkey, known as "tryptophan"; or in George W. Bush's case, a situation in Iraq known as "civil war".

This year, it appears that the most difficult thing for President Bush to swallow may not be the pretzel stuffing, but his pride; as reports are indicating that the latest wave of sectarian violence in Iraq is the worst the country has experience since the U.S. invaded, in 2003.

You know, when President Bush sits down with his family for Thanksgiving dinner and it's his turn to "give thanks", I wonder if his speech writers were able to come up for anything for him to be "thankful" for, other than squeezing another year in office, without getting impeached ;)

Unfortunately, being thankful for what you've got isn't quite the same as being grateful for what you REALLY wanted. I'm pretty sure for that, Mr. Bush is going to have to pull the wishbone... at least twice.

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Thursday, November 23, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Lebanon's Industry Minister Pierre Gamayel Gunned Down

I know in this day and age it almost sounds cliché, but when "terrorism" strikes (especially in the Middle East) instead of wondering "Who did it?", I think the more appropriate question should be "Who benefits?"... Or in this case, "Who benefits, the most?" And while the real answer to that question may be impossible for us to find (at least without ending up in with a stomach full of "English sushi"), I think it's fairly safe to remove Lebanon from that laundry list of suspects.

The way I see it, the systematic dismantling of the Lebanese government is all part of a deliberate effort to basically reduce the country to an open battlefield between Israel and Syria. However, in order for that plan to be put in motion, Hezbollah must first be able to seize control of Lebanon, which is why members of the government are now being targeted. Thus, with the country reduced to chaos, Israel would have another opportunity to enter Lebanon in "defense" its borders, while Syria would get a chance to retaliate in "defense" of the Lebanese people.

Yet, the one thing that I still can't figure out, is exactly which country is trying to bait the other; but then, does that really matter if both parties are already willing participants? I mean, from a distance it almost seems as though Israel and Syria might be working together in order to achieve the same goal, which is extremely odd... until you realize their shared "goal" is each other's annihilation.

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Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Former Russian Spy Poisoned In London

While the mystery continues over who poisoned a former Russian spy (and with what), one thing is already certain... those responsible tried to used the poor international reputation of British cuisine to cover their tracks, which means that this was probably an outside job.

If you ask me, English sushi is a hard sell at the best of times, so I can only imagine how much more difficult it must be to get people to eat at an establishment where the KGB is known for using the food to bump off political opponents.

Fortunately, traditional English fare is much more difficult to tamper with because it is either boiled or deep fried at extremely hot temperatures. You see, the reason why English food tastes so bland, is because it has actually been sterilized. This is important, because the British are born without taste budsand have iron stomachs.

Had this been an English spy instead of Russian, not only do I believe he would never have known that his sushi had been peppered with radiation, he probably would have asked for seconds. This is why James Bond prefers his "sushi" deep fried in batter and served in newsprint with a side order of chips ;)

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Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Seinfeld's Michael Richards' Racial Outburst

It seems that “offensive tirades” have become the hottest new trend in Hollywood and former "Seinfeld" star Michael Richards (aka. Kramer) is just the latest to join in on the "craze" ;)

While Mel Gibson decided to focus his hatred on Jews after being arrested for drunk driving, Michael Richards (a Jew) has instead chosen to direct his negative energy towards Black people, after he was heckled by two of them during his stand-up routine.

Now obviously both of these incidents were totally uncalled for and completely inexcusable; however, if this specter of prejudice is to be removed from Tinsel town, it first must be contained. You see, "intolerance" is a cancer of society that must be isolated, so that it doesn't spread and affect other regions. So far, Mel Gibson is to Jewish people what Michael Richards has just become to Black people, which means that somewhere in Hollywood right now, a famous Black person's deep seeded bigotry is destined to set in motion the next celebrity outburst.

Unless pre-emptive measures are made, more and more celebrities will succumb to this plague of prejudice that is currently sweeping through La-La Land and will continue to offend various races, ethnicities and religions in the process. The way I see it, the only chance that Hollywood has of preventing this circle of hate from growing out of control, is by closing it while it is still manageable... and the only way to do that is for Morgan Freeman to unleash a vicious verbal assault on white Roman Catholics while getting drunk in the parking lot of a comedy club.

They say "two wrongs don't make a right", which is why you always need a third one… to help tie up the loose ends ;)

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Monday, November 20, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Tom Cruise Weds Katie Holmes

Hmm... I wonder if Tom Cruise's wedding reception was anything like the Cantina scene the original Star Wars. Judging by the outfits worn by some of his guests, I wouldn't be surprised ;)

So, now that "phase one" is finally complete, tabloid and gossip magazines (and web sites) that have profited by building up this media circus relationship and enabling it to mutate into yet another high-profile celebrity marriage can now equal (or exceed) their initial earnings by moving swiftly into "phase two", by starting the countdown to the divorce proceedings.

You see, by jumping around on Opera's couch and trying to make certain that the world knew just how straight he was every chance that he got; Tom Cruise made the conscious decision to invite the public into his private life. Since then, he has continued to make a spectacle of himself and his relationship with Katie Holmes, up to and including their glitzy, star-studded, faux marriage over the weekend.

However, now that the love-child has been born and the wedding ceremony has ended, there really isn't any need to keep the public in the loop any longer. Unfortunately for Tom Cruise, he may find that trying to divorce the media from his private life now, after courting it for two years, may be even more difficult than divorcing Katie Holmes without a pre-nup.

The way I see it, the media has an invested interest in Tom Cruise's public relationship with Katie Holmes that doesn't just disappear at the alter. A relationship that is born and nurtured in the public domain remains in the public eye, until it inevitably comes to an end. And the only way that a high profile, celebrity relationship comes to an end is when the media has squeezed every last penny out of it. And the only way the media knows this for certain, is from a divorce.

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Friday, November 17, 2006

Today's Cartoon: OJ Simpson Book Labelled His Confession

After years of searching relentlessly for those responsible for the brutal slaying of his wife and her friend, it appears that OJ Simpson has finally tracked down the perpetrator. No wonder it took him so long to crack the case; apparently, the person Simpson was looking for was the one person that he suspected least of all... himself!

Unfortunately, everyone else on the planet has already known this for years, which means that not only is he a homicidal butcher, but is by far the worst detective in the history of crime investigation ;)

OJ Simpson's new book "If I Did It" is a "hypothetical" account of the slaying of his wife and her friend that many people (including his publisher) are calling his "confession". Yet somehow I get feeling that if his "confession" is $uccessful, it will merely be the first in a series of "If I Did It" novels.

Just think of it as "Where's Waldo" but with Bruno Magli shoes and a knife.

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Thursday, November 16, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Microsoft Launches Zune to Compete with iPod

The way I see it, there is really no point trying to compare the pros and cons of the Microsoft Zune with the Apple iPod, if your taste in music sucks. I mean really, who can criticize the Zune's for being thick and bulky, when the real problem is that it's got 30 gigs of crap stored in it ;)

While the technology is definitely cool, I think this whole iPod craze has completely passed me by; not just because I'm cheap, but because I really don't have the need to listen to thousands of mp3 files. Instead, I like to listen to just one song over and over again, to the point that when I go out, I don't need any portable music player because that song has been burned directly into my brain.

You see, the head is the poor man's iPod; and while mine may be considered thick and bulky like the Microsoft Zune, at least I never have to worry about losing it... Unless of course, I use it to play "Tetris" on the bus ;)

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Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Germany Lawsuit Accuses Donald Rumsfeld of War Crimes

If there is anything that Germany can consider itself an expert in, it's beer, heavy metal and of course "war crimes", which is why I'm not sure if the German lawsuit filed against Donald Rumsfeld in connection to prisoner abuse allegations in Iraq and Guantanamo Bay will be ignored by the outgoing Defense Secretary, or treated as a compliment.

Still, you can't blame the Germans for trying. I mean the United States was an active participant in the Nuremburg Trials at the end of the Second World War, so perhaps they see this as a wonderful opportunity to return the favor and even up the score ;)

Now that Donald Rumsfeld has left office and is no longer viewed as a sovereign official, it appears that he has also given up his right to diplomatic immunity from international prosecution. This pretty much means that any country which recognizes foreign violations of international law can now level charges against the old man. Of course, this doesn't mean that Rumsfeld is going be extradited to them in chains and gift wrapped in a giant bow, but it does "present" these nations with the symbolic opportunity to publicly shame him through a mock trial and punish him by proxy, by beating on a dead horse.

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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Allies Encourage Bush to Work With Iran and Syria

I'm confused... Is Britain joining the”Axis of Evil" or is Syria and Iran about to become members of the "Coalition of the Willing"... or is it both?

While I believe that getting Syria and Iran involved in stabilizing Iraq is practically essential at this point, I really don't see how threats of "isolation" are going to persuade them to rush to the aid of Britain and the United States any faster (if at all); especially since all they have to do is sit back and do nothing to allow the situation to continue to get worse for Bush and Blair, while continuing to improve for themselves.

Now, I can understand George W. Bush's reluctance to open a dialogue with Syria and Iran. I mean, in less than a week he's lost both house of congress to the Democrats and the White House to his father, so it makes sense that he wouldn't want to lose Iraq to the "Axis of Evil" as well... at least not this week.

You know, I'm pretty sure that if you listen carefully, you can probably hear the sound of neoconservatives in the States, banging their heads against a wall in unison.

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Monday, November 13, 2006

Today's Cartoon: President Bush Seeks Help From Father's Administration

Well, it looks like former President George H.W. Bush is actually going to get a second term after all, and I bet you nobody is more pissed off about it than his son George W. Bush. Then again, relying on his father to get him out of trouble was probably what landed him the job as president of the United States in the first place ;)

You know, it must be incredibly humbling for someone who has spent his entire adult life trying to exceed his father's accomplishments, to finally do so, only to screw things up so royally in the process that he needs his dad to come in and help him clean up the mess that he's made.

Fortunately however, there is still at least one accomplishment left for George W. Bush to exceed his father in achieving... and that is having a lower approval rating. Oh sure, it may not be the most sought after distinction for a U.S. President, but when you are as competitive a George W. Bush is, it may be just about the only thing he has to look forward to, during his last two (lame duck) years in office.

Then again, his father was never impeached either ;)

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Friday, November 10, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Donald Rumsfeld Resigns

I think the fact that George W. Bush didn't use Donald Rumsfeld's "impending" resignation ahead of the mid-terms to send the message to voters that he was serious about reassessing his Iraq strategy, creates the impression that not only was there no new plan in the works, but that Rumsfeld probably had no intention of skipping town, until the morning after Democrats swept the elections ;)

Perhaps by resigning as Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld figured that he could be of better use to the Bush Administration by becoming their (e)scapegoat for just about everything that has gone wrong over the last 6 years (which is just about everything). Either that, or he just wanted to deny the Democrats the satisfaction of getting him thrown out of the Pentagon. Whatever his reason may be, I get the feeling that we haven't seen the last of Mr. Rumsfeld... despite his effort.

Hey! I think I've figured out why some Republicans are so opposed to stem cell research... It's because they still want to be able to rely on Alzheimer's disease as an excuse for not remembering anything, for when they get subpoenaed after they leave office ;)

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Thursday, November 09, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Democrats Sweep Midterm Elections

While the Democrats sweeping the Republicans in the mid-term elections was not quite on the same level as the Ewoks defeating the Empire in "Return of the Jedi", I'm pretty sure their victory celebration was ;)

Despite losing control of both the house and the senate, the Republicans were able to keep it close; but like in boxing, it really doesn't matter how competitively you fought, if you still lose every round. And the fact that they lost, even with the same referee in their corner that they've had for their previous fights, gives the impression that the Democrats victory may have been much more lop-sided than it actually appears.

So now that the Democrats have seemingly inherited the war in Iraq from the Bush Administration, they have been given the monumental task of trying to figure out a way to close Pandora's Box while cleaning the Augean stables in Washington at the same time. Personally, I think that both would be well served by a full and proper investigation into the events of 9/11; after all, it was that which President Bush based his entire foreign and domestic policy on.

Obviously, someone who makes ALL of his decisions based on an event with so much uncertainty attached to it is going to run into some problems. Remember, the invasion of Iraq was in direct response to 9/11. So, I think it's important that if the Democrats want to figure out a way to get their troops out of Iraq, they may want to understand what it was that actually got them there in the first place.

A proper investigation into 9/11 would serve the United States well, if for no other reason, than it would get the American people back on the same page so that they can start moving forward, together.

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Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Britney Spears Files for Divorce From Kevin Federline

While the votes are still being tallied in America's mid-term elections, I thought I would take this opportunity to comment briefly on the other major event taking place in that country... that's right, Britney Spears (long anticipated) divorce from her hip-hop husband Kevin Federline.

There's a saying, "Better a has-been then a never-was", which is true... unless of course, you're both. This is why I can't help but feel sorry for the aspiring rapper also known as "K-Fed"; not just because everyone is now referring to him as "Fed Ex", but because if it weren't for his wife's horrible music, then maybe he wouldn't have been convinced that he could become talentless artist as well.

While Britney Spears has indicated that she will seek full custody of her children, there is still no word if that will also include Kevin Federline; however, if she still thinks of herself as the second-coming of Madonna then perhaps instead of going all the way to Africa, she could just go to her guest house to find a helpless orphan to adopt ;)

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Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Saddam Hussein Sentenced To Hang

It must be especially frustrating for Saddam Hussein to know that while everything else in Iraq doesn't appear to be working, its "legal system" continues to move forward at the deliberate pace of an episode of "Judge Judy". Of course, that's easy to say when the courts are backed by the United States and Saddam Hussein's trial is the only case on the docket ;)

You know, despite all of the atrocities that Hussein has been accused of committing, the United States has done a spectacular job of making a tyrannical dictator appear sympathetic, by forcing him from power and putting him on (show) trial, while allowing his country to devolve into a state of chaos far worse than at any point during his reign. So, with all that has happened since his ouster from power, does the United States really want to make it that much more difficult for themselves (and the new Iraqi government) by turning Saddam Hussein into a "martyr"?

Just as the insurgency has caused some people to forget (or at least overlook) the reasons in which the United States decided to invade Iraq in the first place, the ongoing sectarian violence could end up having the same effect on people's view of Saddam Hussein. Who knows, if the conditions in Iraq continue to deteriorate, they could very well end up canonizing the SOB.

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Monday, November 06, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Evangelical Minister Ted Haggard Fired For Sexual Immorality

While some people seem to view the homosexual relationship between prominent evangelist Ted Haggard and a male escort as proof of his "hypocritical" views on gay marriage, I do not. In fact, I see it as the reason why he has been so outspoken against it.

You see, if Haggard was actually in favor of same sex unions, then he would no longer be able to mess around with other men because if he did, then "technically" he would be cheating on his wife. Therefore (in his mind), his three-year relationship with a gay escort cannot be considered an "affair" because to do so would imply that Haggard's homosexual relationship with an escort is interchangeable with his heterosexual relationship with his wife, which is something that his church refuses to acknowledge. So, basically what this means is that Reverend Haggard can be as gay as he wants and never have to worry about "cheating" on his wife.

The way I see it, if the "church" is already free to decide who it will (and will not) agree to marry, then it makes absolutely no difference if the "state" chooses to recognize same-sex unions or not; unless of course, the real issue is not the definition of "marriage", but the interpretation of an "affair".

Perhaps the real reason why some people are so outspoken against same-sex marriage is because if the church begins to accept it, it will suddenly legitimize their secret gay relationships as actual "affairs" and instead of just "hunting trips" ;)

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Friday, November 03, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Experts Predict Seafood Will Vanish by 2048

Good news for people who hate seafood; according to experts, by 2048 there's not going to be any of it left because the oceans are about to run out of fish. This of course means that seafood restaurants like "Red Lobster" have about 40 years to either figure out a way to cook a squirrel so it tastes like salmon, or go out of business ;)

Wow, two equally grim forecasts about our planet in less than a week. At this rate, by next Friday, any report of a giant meteor heading towards the Earth will probably be viewed by many as an act of "mercy".

Obviously a concerted effort has to be made to prevent life from disappearing from our oceans; if for no other reason, than because of global warming, we're about to become part of it. While over fishing may play a large part in this, it's still only a contributing factor to the overall problem. Aquatic habitat is also being loss due to pollution; which really sucks for us, because once the fish are all gone, not only won't we have anything to eat, but we're not going to have anyplace to live either.

Then again, I'm not really sure how someone is supposed to breath, with all that crud floating through their gills ;)

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Thursday, November 02, 2006

Today's Cartoon: U.S. Military Chart Views Iraq Moving Towards Chaos

So, if the current situation in Iraq only constitutes an "orange" on the U.S. military's color-coded "Index of Civil Conflict", then how exactly will they know for certain if "chaos" is actually achieved? Is it a specific event or a circumstance, or is Central Command like those professors at University who simply refuse to hand out perfect grades?

I wonder what happens once a level of "chaos" is officially recognized by the U.S. military. Do they implement some sort of new strategy? And if so, could they not do it a bit sooner so as to not allow it to happen? I mean, what's the point of color-coding chaos, if the chaos doesn't even mean anything?

Well, look on the bright side. If everything that's happened thus far in Iraq is not enough for it to be considered "chaos", then there is an excellent chance that it never will be. In fact, all the U.S. military needs to do now is start making the realities on the ground reflect the "assessments" made in their charts and they should this thing wrapped up in no time ;)

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Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Today's Cartoon: John Kerry Draws Republican Fire Over "Botched Joke" About Iraq

While I thought I understood what John Kerry was "implying" when he told a group of college students to get an education or risk getting "stuck in Iraq", I still have no idea why he would say it so close to the mid-term elections and basically give his political opponents some fresh meat to chew on.

It seemed to me that what Kerry was TRYING to say was that "education" provides individuals more career choices; whereas without it, their only option would be (thanks to lowered enlistment standards) a career in the military ( "stuck in Iraq"). Although, I don't think he meant to say that ALL military personnel are "uneducated", there is a difference between soldiers who've enlisted because they've "wanted" to and those who've done so because it was the ONLY career option available to them... and that is due mainly to education, or the lack thereof.

...Of course, that was my interpretation up until John Kerry decided to respond to the criticism by saying that it was a "botched joke" about President Bush. So, not only does this completely change my understanding of his comment, but it pretty much changes my understanding of John Kerry as well.

Perhaps next time he wants to tell a "joke", he may want to consider including the "subject" in either the set up or the punch line. Or if that's too difficult, wait until after the elections to try to tell it ;)

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