Friday, April 28, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Rapper Snoop Dogg Arrested After Brawl In London Airport

Growing up, I always dreamt of being part of an "entourage", or even better a "posse" (the smaller, more intimate of entourages). The problem was that I didn't know anybody famous to latch onto, so I would end up creating imaginary "superstars" and just follow them around all day :)

I think the most important thing about being a member of an entourage is the responsibility to not only make the "star" look important, but to make them look "powerful" as well. Promotion through bad behaviour is the key to success for the professional "hanger-on". The more "interest" that you can generate for your "star", the more "opportunities" will emerge for them. As a result, this will ensure that you remain in the lifestyle that you have since grown accustomed to.

The larger the entourage means the more frequent these self-preservating acts of "promotion" must be (in order for the group to survive). If Snoop Dogg travels with a 30 man entourage, that means his team has to work 15 times harder than Ryan Seacrest's entourage of 2 (including himself) to not only make sure that Snoop Dogg makes it into the newspapers, but that he can generate the kind of "celebrity status" which allows him to afford the 30 man entourage. Slugging it out with police officers at London's Heathrow Airport is an excellent way to accomplish both.

Hey! For all of you keeping score, this is cartoon number 100 for me :) I really hope that you are (still) enjoying them as much as I am enjoying making them.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Former Fox News Anchor Tony Snow Named New White House Press Secretary


"Drinking the Kool-Aid", is probably the WORST reference a "spokesperson" could use to describe the company they work for. So, basically the incoming White House Press Secretary has already compared the Bush Administration to "Jonestown"; and he hasn't even started working for them yet :)

I'm confused; is FOX News now speaking directly for the White House, because I always thought that it was the other way around. Does this mean that Bill O'Reilly might soon be replacing Donald Rumsfeld as secretary of Defense? If so, watch out France!

Actually, Tony Snow has been quite critical of the Bush Administration in the past; and has even gone as far as to call President Bush "an embarrassment". So, it would appear to be a rather risky move by the White House to allow a critic of the Administration to become its "official" spokesperson; until you realize that by doing so, it is now no longer his "job" to "commentate" on or "criticize" the government.

The best way to silence your critics (legally) is to put them on your payroll. If Tony Snow describes himself as a "Conservative", then that means he knows EXACTLY who he is working for; and who it is that is NOW signing his paycheck.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Iraq's al-Zarqawi Appears in New Video

It has pretty much been determined that the Presidency of George W. Bush will be judged upon the success or failure of the war in Iraq. But, with public support for that war waning and with "victory" nowhere in sight; it would appear as though that "legacy" is in serious trouble.

The American people are skeptical of the Bush Administration. With its approval rating at its lowest point (yet) and pressure mounting for top White House officials to step down; they no longer trust, nor do they believe in anything that the Administration has to say. In short, "morale" is extremely low. This is a serious problem, because in order to fight (and win) a war, your people must be susceptible to the propaganda that you use to promote it.

So, when it comes to "promoting" a war (especially one that you've staked your entire presidency on) to an unreceptive audience, when you have zero credibility; it's probably best to let other people do it for you... especially if those people are your sworn enemy. By doing so, they create a new "opportunity" to promote the war; as well as a new "demand" for that war, by scaring the American public back behind the administration.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Today's Cartoon: King Gyanedra Reinstates Parliment in Nepal

Who needs oil when you've got "people power", eh? I wonder how long it will be before China decides to swoops down and replace their combustion engines with a Nepali on a hamster wheel :)

You can't really blame the people of Nepal for rising up against their "King". Monarchies are the political equivalent of "Witch Doctors"; at least they are when they actually TRY to run their country. Fortunately though, not many of them still do. Most royal families are content enough to just let their "subjects" make all the important decisions for them (just so long as it doesn't ACTUALLY involve them) and I believe the world is a better place for it.

Perhaps my cynical understanding of "Royalty" and it's purpose in today's world has been grossly distorted due to years of being exposed to tabloid journalism, concerning the British Royal family. But when the main criteria for becoming a "King" or "Queen" simply involves being the lucky sperm that got to the egg first, well then shouldn't that make us ALL Royalty to some extent?

I mean, even Michael Jackson had to release "Thriller", before being referred to as the "King of Pop". Now, would you trust him to run your country? :0

Monday, April 24, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Earth Day and Osama Bin Laden

He's Baa-aack! And he wants to wish us ALL a happy "Earth Day" the only way he knows how... by calling for our destruction.

I guess this is his way of trying to show support for Donald Rumsfeld against all of those retired Generals, who are calling for him to step down ;)

At this point, the only reason I can think of as to why the Bush Administration is STILL in no rush to find this guy, is because he's actually GOOD for morale (and by "morale" I mean Bush's "approval rating"). It seems that whenever OBL decides to release one of his audio/video threats to the "West", it puts a little "bounce" in the President's step because it gives him another opportunity to re-affirm his committment to tracking him down (usually by invading other countries and creating enough "evil doers" in the process to justify the invasion).

As anyone who as ever played the video game "Gauntlet" already knows... The best way to defeat a never-ending stream of "evil doers" is by destroying the "generator" which is creating them. Otherwise, you're just going to be pressing the "b" button and swinging your sword all day. The problem is that nobody knows where this particular "generator" is. So, rather than actually trying to look for it; our "heroes" have simply decided to venture further into the game and take on larger foes instead. Meanwhile, the original "generator" is still pumping out "baddies", which accumulate and sneak up behind our "heroes"; who are too busy fighting the new "evil doers" to go back and deal with the old ones.

If Donald Rumsfeld refuses to step down and is reluctant to hear the advice of those around him as to how to fight the "War on Terror", then he should at least buy himself a Playstation and try to fight it himself ;)

Friday, April 21, 2006

Today's Cartoon: China's President Hu Jintao Heckled During Meeting With US President George W. Bush

I know EXACTLY how this woman was able to breach White House security, heckle Chinese President Hu Jintao and create an international incident...

Remember at the beginning of the week when the White House tried to prevent those Gay and Lesbian families from attending their “Easter Egg” roll? Well, obviously this woman must have disguised herself as a “lesbian” and snuck into the White House during those festivities. Then, when security wasn’t paying attention, she dove into a hedge and lived off of hard boiled Easter Eggs, while waiting patiently for the arrival of the Chinese President :)

The fact that practically the whole world is now accusing China of suppressing the freedoms of their citizens, tells me that they are not doing a very good job of it. The worst countries are the ones that you NEVER hear anything about, because their citizens are at the point where they no longer feel as though they are being oppressed, take Canada for example...

Did you know that in Canada, “beer”, “hockey” and “donuts” are the equivalent to “soma” (the opiate of the masses in "A Brave New World")? These are the substances of our distraction which keep us “happy”, passive and under control.

So you see, the problem in China is not that they are suppressing the rights of their citizens, but that they are not very good at hockey. If they were, then the Chinese would be too busy eating donuts, drinking beer and watching hockey to even care about what freedoms they have (or don’t have) ;)

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Today's Cartoon: White House Press Secretary Scott McClellen Resigns

I'm not so sure this was the kind of "big shake up" the American people were looking for.

For this administration to think that a new White House Press Secretary is somehow going to miraculously change the public's opinion of them is the same kind of "optimism" that a 13 year old has when he goes back to school after summer vacation, wearing a brand new pair of expensive running shoes.

The White House Press Secretary is the spokesperson for the administration. They don't write the policies, they simply repeat them (kinda like a pirate's parrot). So, when the administration's problems are rooted in such policies, deciding to change the press secretary is like deciding to "re-gift" an unwanted fruitcake and then handing it back to the exact SAME person, over and over; and expecting them to suddenly want it.

At the end of the day, it won't matter who the new White House Press Secretary is; because as long as the policies and the "policy makers" remain the same, the press secretary will essentially remain unchanged.

It's like when "Doctor Who" regenerates into a new person; everyone knows that it's still "Doctor Who" ;)

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Two Duke Lacrosse Players Charged In Sex Assault Case

Forget about it tarnishing the school's reputation, what about the sport of lacrosse? I mean, up until this point, the sport didn't even have a reputation, and now that it does; it's the WORST one possible!

Collin Finnerty and Reade Seligmann are arguably Americas best known lacrosse players, and chances are you haven't even seen them play.

This is certainly no way to showcase a sport and to build up it's popularity; which (thanks to this case), probably ranks somewhere between "Russian Roulette" and "Autoerotic Exfixiation".

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Tom Cruise Aggressively Promotes Movie and Himself

Let's see.. the snow has melted, the birds are chirping and Tom Cruise has emerged from a lengthy hibernation to aggressively promote his latest production(s)... Ah, it must be Spring!

I am REALLY starting to enjoy Tom Cruise a lot more than his movies. He is quickly approaching "Michael Jackson" in terms of his eccentricity and "Jar Jar Binks" in terms of his popularity; and all of this in less than a year. It is a stunning achievement!

"Celebrities" seem to believe that they are bigger than the characters they portray in the movies that they are supposed to be promoting. Over the last year, it seems as though Tom Cruise has decided to call it quits as an "Actor" and focus more on being a "Celebrity" instead.

You really have to wonder why he continues to grant interviews, when at this point EVERYTHING he does or says is met with immediate suspicion and criticism. I just don't understand what there is to gain from "alienating" yourself from your audience... Even if you are a Scientologist.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Gay Families Attend White House Easter Egg Roll

There is something very "Shakespearian" about this. It kind of reminds me of when in "Macbeth", Macbeth is told by the witches that he would not be "vanquished" unless Birnam Wood came to Dunsinane; only then to end up seeing the prophecy come to pass.

It makes me wonder if George W. Bush has his own team of advisers/witches, who prophesize events and circumstances for him to avoid (ex. press conferences) in order to ensure the survival of his presidency. And if one of those prophecies includes keeping homosexuals off of the lawn :)

Perhaps this has something to do with the White House's sudden decision to change their ticketing policy for the event, which in effect prevents those who are at the front of the line and have been waiting the longest (gay and lesbian families) from attending the opening ceremonies (to be attended by the President and the first lady).

Either that or they must think that children who are raised by homosexuals must have some unfair advantage when it comes to "egg rolling" competitions.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Ex-teacher Pamela Rogers Re-Arrested After Violating Probation

Personally, I think the REAL victim in this crime are the millions of adult males, who've read the story, seen her pictures and wished that they had her for a teacher back when they were in school :)

A few months ago when Pamela Rogers was released from prison after only serving 6 months of her original 8 year sentence, a lot of people in the media were complaining that the only reason why she got off was because of her looks... And they couldn't have been more RIGHT.

I guess if EVERYONE else in America was getting off because of her looks, then why not her, right?

They say that "justice is blind", but I'm pretty sure it took a GOOD look the day she was in court; and decided to let her go. Why? Apparently, so she could re-offend and continue to grace the court with her presence, over and over again ;)

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Senior Military Officials Demand Donald Rumsfeld Resign

You know things look bad for Donald Rumsfeld, when retired Military Generals are openly calling for his resignation; but it looks even worse when these Generals are actually retiring, just so they can openly call for Donald Rumsfeld to resign.

Even Colin Powell has decided to re-emerge and start speaking out against Rumsfeld; and you know he wouldn't dare speak out against this Administration (his former employer) unless he felt confident that he was "safe" to do so (or unless he just signed a lucrative book deal).

It's amazing what happens to a "good soldier" after they hang up the uniform and stop following orders for a little while; or at least turn on their televisions and discover that there are more channels than just Fox News :)

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Iran Joins The "Nuclear Club"

Off all the "clubs" to join, why on Earth would Iran want to be a member of that one?! (Is there a "no girls allowed" policy that I'm not aware of?).

All of a sudden the whole world is turning into one of those "stand-offs" you see in John Woo movies (and frequently borrowed by Quentin Tarantino) , where everyone has a gun pointed at everyone else (except for Canada); and the slightest move ends up setting them all off.

Well, if they're handing out free memberships to the "Nuclear Club", I definitely think Canada should join. If for no other reason than to look cool and to call ours "Eh Bombs" :)

By the way, is it possible to join a "club", simply by announcing that you've joined? I thought only "Swingers" did that (... not that I would know, of course). Well, if that's the case, then I would like to announce that I am now "officially" a member of the "Mile High Club" ;)

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Italian Elections, Prodi/Berlusconi Too Close to Call

It's kinda like Christmas in Italy; except when the Italians wake up in the morning, instead of presents, they'll be hoping for an actual result in their election.

Hmmm... I guess that means "Santa" get's to cast the deciding vote, because he's the only one that's still awake ;)

When I read that Berlusconi had changed Italy's electoral system, I was REALLY hoping that it meant that they could settle these things out in the Coliseum; just like their Roman ancestors use to do it

...Or was that just in the movie "Gladiator"?

Monday, April 10, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Journalist Semour Hersh, United States Planning Nuclear Attack on Iran

Oh, I get it... Make the world think you're crazy and nobody will want to f**k with you. That seems to be approach the United States has decided to take, according to the latest issue of the "New Yorker" magazine.

If after all that has happened in Iraq, the President of the United States STILL believes in the effectiveness of "pre-emptive strikes"; then he may want to test it out in "smaller" dosages, before deciding to dust off the nukes (and possibly another World War).

In my opinion, the main problem with George W. Bush's foreign policy is that while his "intentions" may be good (hey, who doesn't love "freedom", right?) his "instincts" are REALLY bad. However, there is a way that he can work on improving this...

The next time he is at one of these "town hall" meetings, where he is surrounded by an audience; in the middle of his speech he should turn around a punch somebody in the face. It won't matter who it is because with an approval rating in the mid-30's , chances are he'll nail someone who has something against him (ex. Harry Taylor). This is known as "Low impact Pre-emptive Striking" (or "Sucker Punching")

As he gets better (and more confident) at picking out and beating down his "enemies" at "town hall meetings", he could then work his way up to larger groups and more violent methods of "pre-emption"; until he is finally ready for the big leagues again.

Remember, the more enemies you create for yourself, the easier (and more effective) "pre-emption" will become. So while attacking people at random may not seem like an effective strategy at first, soon you'll discover that the more you do it, the more you'll HAVE to do it and the more "justified" you will be in doing it ;)

Friday, April 07, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Scooter Libby Testifies Against George W. Bush

If the President of the United States has the legal authority to declassify information at anytime, then why didn't he just come forward and say that he was the one that gave "Scooter" Libby permission to reveal information to the press; and end the investigation, before it even started?

And even if he didn't, what's to stop him from just absorbing the blame for someone else?

It looks like Bush has a little bit of explaining to do, but personally I don't think he really cares anymore. I think he views his presidency now, much in the same way a high school senior views going to class on sunny day in June :)

What I think is going to happen is that his administration will deny deceiving the American people, simply by stating that the media was asking them all the wrong questions. There was NO actual "leak" because (basically) the President authorized the release of Valerie Plames identity to the media.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Katie Couric to Anchor CBS Evening News

Personally, I don't see what all the hype is about. Anyone reading this can read off of a teleprompter. So why is Katie Couric getting paid $15 million dollars a year, to basically do what you're doing right now?

If it's about her "making history" as the first female to "solo-anchor" the evening news, well sorry CBS, but I think the "Necked' News" may have already beat you to it ;)

Honestly, who cares if a woman is anchoring the evening news? Unless she's illiterate, dyslexic or blind; then it's not really THAT big of a deal. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter who (or what) the anchor is because the whole show is done on auto-pilot anyway.

Besides, the last time I heard, they were called "Talking Heads", not "Talking Crotches". Although, if you could find one of those and teach it to read off a teleprompter, that WOULD be something worth $15 million a year! (...Please, NO "Dan Rather" jokes) :)

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Republican Tom Delay Announces Resignation from Congress

You've got to admire Tom Delay's "instincts".

As an ex-exterminator, he was able to recognize all of the signs of a giant boot, hovering over his head that was about to come down and "smush!" him. So what does he do? He resigns from Congress and scurries under the kitchen sink, and patiently waits for the "coast's clear".

It seems that the "hunter" has become the "hunted". The "bugs" have finally had their revenge and now is appears that the meek (ie. The Democrats) may actually inherit the earth (Texas' 22nd District) after all.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Today's Cartoon: US Jury Finds Zacarias Moussaoui Eligible for Execution

I really feel bad for the prosecutors in this case. You know they must feel pretty lousy about themselves, when even the defendant is willing to do all that he can to help them out.

This whole trial was basically a "slam dunk" (mainly because the defendant wants to lose), yet despite their efforts (and their tricks), they still managed to find ways of screwing up; leaving it up to the defendant to personally clean up the mess and keep the trial on course (by doing everything short of "executing" himself).

I haven't seen this much "co-operation" in a trial since the movie "Sleepers"; and even then, the prosecution and the defense were working together to acquit the defendants (not turn them into "martyrs").

The way I see it, the American people could have saved a lot of money by just allowing Moussaoui to "prosecute" himself and then determine his own punishment (which is basically what's happened, anyway).

Monday, April 03, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Jack Straw and Condoleezza Rice's Surprise Trip to Iraq

Hmmm... for some odd reason, this story reminds me of the opening scene in "Return of the Jedi". You know, when Darth Vader arrives to survey the construction of the 2nd Death Star; and to basically chew everyone out for falling behind schedule...

Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari: Ms. Rice, this is an unexpected pleasure. We are honored by your presence -
Condoleezza Rice: You may dispense with the pleasantries, Prime Minister. I'm here to put you back on schedule.
Ibrahim al-Jaafari: I assure you, Ms. Rice. My men are working as fast as they can.
Condoleezza Rice: Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them.
Ibrahim al-Jaafari: I tell you, this country will be operational as planned.
Condoleezza Rice: The emperor does not share your optimistic appraisal of the situation.
Ibrahim al-Jaafari: But, he asks the impossible. I need more men!
Condoleezza Rice: Then perhaps you can tell him when he arrives.
Ibrahim al-Jaafari: The Emperor's coming here?
Condoleezza Rice: That is correct, Prime Minister. And, he is most displeased with your apparent lack of progress.
Ibrahim al-Jaafari: We shall double our efforts!
Condoleezza Rice: I hope so, Prime Minister, for your sake. The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am.

It looks like Britain and the US are getting quite anxious about the situation in Iraq. You can tell by the size of the teeth on the representatives they sent over, to "chew" out the government :)

I guess " democracy" is just taking way too long to develop. So at this point, the West would be happy enough to settle for everyone "agreeing" to get along; long enough for them to declare victory (again) and start withdrawing their troops.

This would also mean the Mainstream Media could FINALLY refer to the situation in Iraq as a "Civil War" instead of the more politically friendly, "Low Grade Sectarian Violence"
(which sounds like something you'd find on a box of cereal).

The way I see it, until there's an actual government in place in Iraq, the country is still the "responsibility" of the United States; and as long as the country is the responsiblity of the Unted States, there will be NO "civil war". And if that's the case, then you can't really blame the Iraqi government for dragging their feet, now can you?