Monday, July 10, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Italy Wins the World Cup

Soccer (aka. Football) is a sport that seems to involve more choreography than even figure skating, which is why I am glad to see that the team with the best "performers" won the 2006 world cup.

What makes Italy's accomplishment SO amazing is the fact that the team was playing with a severe disadvantage. No, I am not talking about the "match fixing scandal". Rather I am referring to the fact that the Italian team was so injury prone that their players seemed to have the uncanny ability to get hurt, even without being touched.

Now, some of you may call this "diving", but I don't. Instead, I see this as an extremely rare form of group based psychosomatic illness. I believe that whenever an Italian player suffers a psychotic episode during a game, for that moment, he honestly believes that he has been mortally wounded and the only reason that he does not feel any pain is because he is still in shock. I think it's important to note that this is not a problem that has only plagued the Italian team; the scourge of "psychosomatic trauma" has long been an occupational hazard for the professional soccer player, regardless of their country of origin.

So how do you cure this illness? By helping the players come to the conclusion that they are not actually injured, as quickly as possible. My suggestion would be to have a fleet of ambulances on stand-by at every soccer match and then whenever a player has an episode on the field, IMMEDIATELY rush them to the hospital and keep them there over night for observations.

By inconveniencing the players, they will quickly come to the realization that they would much rather be playing soccer than be fitted with a catheter ;)

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