Friday, March 31, 2006

Today's Cartoon: American Journalist Jill Carroll Released by Iraqi Captors

Well, we started off the week with the "right" making fun the "left" for their theories on 9/11; and now we end the week with the "left" making fun of the "right" for their theories on Jill Carroll.

Oh, if only they could see just HOW similar they (we) really are ;)

I guess, all of these "suspicions" could be seen as a good thing, because it means that NOBODY is just letting the "news" (white) wash over them; and are actually questioning what they see and read in the mainstream media (whether you agree with them or not). However, at the same time this could also be seen as a very bad thing, for pretty much the EXACT same reason.

Earlier this month, US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld scolded the American media for being "overly negative" in their coverage of the war in Iraq (and many of his supporters have echoed those claims). Well, since then, Rummy seems to have gotten his wish. The "news" from Iraq has been dominated by the release and/or rescue of 4 Western hostages; something which I assume would fall into the category of "good news"... but wait!

It appears that there are those who seem to believe that Jill Carroll somehow orchestrated (or was a willing participant in) her own abduction as part of the anti-war movement in Iraq. To which I say, if this is your first "conspiracy theory" then you have some serious catching up to do ;)

Is it because things in Iraq have been so bad for so long that even the "good news" is seen as "bad news", simply because it no longer fits the "narrative"? Or is it because the mainstream media has had it wrong for SO long (an arguement that's made by both sides of the "Liberal/Corporate Media Bias" debate) that there HAS to be something more to (tarnish) the story (ie. Jessica Lynch)?

Whatever the case may be; at this point I'm just about ready to throw in the towel and declare that this WHOLE war has been nothing more than one big hoax, playing itself out on a Hollywood sound stage ... (wishful thinking I guess).

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Today's Cartoon: United Nations Security Council Agrees on Iran... and Whitney Houston

You know, it must be nice to have friends who are SO concerned about your well being that they are willing to sell your story (and pictures of your bathroom) to the National Enquirer for top dollar. I mean, couldn't her sister-in-law have gone to CNN or "Dr. Phil" instead?

That being said, I DO hope that the embarassment of the world seeing her "messed-up" bathroom is enough to convince Whitney Houston to clean herself up... or at least hire a maid.

Talk about a job "Americans don't want to do". That's certainly one way to solve the illegal immigration problem in the United States. I'm pretty sure that if you were to offer that job to a Mexican migrant, they'd not only scurry back across the border, but they'd probably fix the hole in the fence.

I just hope she NEVER realizes that once all of her money is gone, all she has to do is sell pictures of herself and her home to the tabloids, to get more money.

So, remember kids, if you're going to start a "habit", then be sure to get hooked on something that also earns you money, to fuel that addiction while keeping you off the streets... Like online poker!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Chief of Staff Andrew Card Resigns Amid Calls for White House "Shake Up"

Wow! What a happy coincidence! Andrew Card chooses to resign his position as White House Chief of Staff, just as members of the Republican party began to openly call for a cabinet "Shake up". Now I guess we won't be hearing anymore calls for President Bush to fire Dick Cheney or Donald Rumsfeld :)

Actually, there is a rumor emerging that the "real" reason why Card resigned may have to do with his connection to the ongoing Valerie Plame/CIA Leak Investigation.

If that's the "case" (pun intended) then he should be applauded for having the foresight to remove himself from the White House; thus sparing it (and the administration) from the embarrassment of resigning AFTER the (possible) indictment (as was the case with "Scooter" Libby).

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Today's Cartoon: US Senate Approves "Guest Worker" Immigration Program

To say that "Americans are unwilling to do certain jobs" is like setting up a joke without delivering the punchline. There is a reason why Americans (or any other citizen of the industralized world) won't do certain jobs; and it's called "exploitation".

Call me old fashion, but if the American economy is "booming" (as they claim) and there is a demand for employees (as they claim), then shouldn't the businesses provide competitive wages to attract new employees, and not just open the borders to the lowest bidder?

For example, here in Canada the province of Alberta's economy is booming, due to development of it's "oilsands" industry. The demand for work there is SO high that the untrained and uneducated can get a job working at McDonald's for $15 and hour (to start). As a result, they have created such a demand for these jobs that kids are willing to give up on their education to pursue a career flipping burgers instead. Compare that to the "immigration situation" that is taken place in the United States and it's fairly obvious to see, that it's not the "job" that Americans are objecting to.

Besides, I've seen "Fear Factor" enough times to know that if you offer an American enough money, they will do absolutely ANYTHING.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Charlie Sheen's 9/11 Conspiracy Theory Ignored By Mainstream Media

(Link to Charlie Sheen's interview on "The Alex Jones Show")

I’m not going to debate what happened on 9/11; I saw what everyone saw (or was meant to see), so I’m no expert. But what I don’t understand is why the mainstream American media is SO afraid to even discuss the existence of these alternative theories behind the events of that day. Especially, when a recent CNN poll reveals that there is a strong belief that the US government is somehow covering up the “truth”.

What is causing this belief among Americans (and the rest of the world) may not actually be the belief that the American government orchestrated or covered-up the events of 9/11, but may have resulted out of the mistakes they have made since, due to their reliance on “bad intelligence”. Basically, this poll represents the belief that with regards to 9/11, ANYTHING is possible.

Not only, does the American media need to address this issue, but so does the American government, because the longer they remain silent (or dismissive) on the subject, the longer these “conspiracy theorists” are able to control the conversation and convince more people. “Silence” only fuels the belief that the government has something to hide.

One would think that the government would want as many of own people on its side as possible and would go to great lengths to convince the American people (yes, even the “Liberals”) that despite the errors that they have made, the “truth” remains on their side. After all, the American people are going to be fighting this “war”, long after this administration leaves office; so it would be wise to at least have everyone on the same page.

If this is TRULY a black and white, cut and dry, good versus evil, war against “terrorism” (as it’s advertised); then there should be absolutely no problem discussing and (inevitably) refuting these “conspiracy theories”, simply because the government has nothing to hide.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Today's Cartoon: ETA Ceasefire and Hostages Freed in Iraq

Call them whatever you want, but what I don't understand about ANY of these "organizations" is why do they think they can get more accomplished by "inconveniencing" people, rather than trying to gain their support?

If I was the leader of one of these "groups" I would claim responsibility for every GOOD thing that happened, (from "medical breakthroughs" to "sunny days"). Of course it wouldn't matter that I was lying; the people would WANT to believe me, because instead of scary hoods or scarves, I would dress up like a super-hero :)

I would aim to win the support of the public by claiming responsibility for "good times", while blaming my adversaries for everything "bad" that occurs. And I would promise retribution against my foes (in the name of the people) by plotting elaborate events, such as giant ice-cream parties in the park (that excluded my enemies).

I would hire beautiful bikini models to deliver my video statements for me, a different one each time (to make me look popular) and if I were to ever have any "guests", I would make sure that they had a full makeover before appearing on camera... in a hot tub (surrounded by beautiful people... wearing beautiful masks).

So, my advice to all you "groups" out there is simple, "Fear" plays into the hands of your enemy, while "FUN" plays into the hands of all of those privileged enough to be around you. If you are going to target civilians, why not target them with "LOVE" instead? Then, you may find that they will do the fighting for you.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Afghan Abdul Rahman Imprisoned For Christian Beliefs

I wonder what will happen when we all "pass over" and discover that we end up in the exact same place?... on some deserted island with a bunker and a mysterious "smoke creature" running around (Yes, I watched "Lost" last night).

Fortunately for Mr. Rahman, it appears that he may escape conviction due to his apparent "insansity". Now, do you suppose that this is a legitimate case of insanity, or does it fall more along the lines of "Hey, this guy wants to practice "Christianity" under Islamic Sharia law, in Afghanistan?!... He MUST be crazy!"

Speaking of "questionable judgement"; I've been following the ongoing drama between the show "South Park" and the Church of Scientology, and apparently the latest rumor is that Issac Hayes (aka. "Chef") did not quit the show, but rather somebody "quit for him" through a press release that Hayes never authorized.

Hmm... My guess is that with all this "controversy" swirling around them, the new season of "South Park" is definitely going to be the EASIEST one yet for Matt Stone and Trey Parker to write.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Helen Thomas vs. George W. Bush

You know things have taken a turn for the surreal when the President of the United States getting asked a "tough" question by an 85 year old woman from the White House Press Corps. becomes a big "news" story.

I mean, who does this woman think she is? Did you know that this was the first time in 3 years that Helen Thomas was given the honour and to address the President; and this is thanks he gets?! :)

Okay, so the guy may have lost the trust and support of most Americans, but that doesn't mean he's lost the trust and support of your grandchildren (who are probably going to end up fighting his war)... and their grandchildren (who are probably going to end up fighting his war). You see, these speeches and press conferences are not intended for "immediate consumption" basically because the majority of Americans don't believe him... but future historians might. And the only way to ensure that his message survives and reaches those "future historians" is to repeat it over and over and over again. This way he reduces any possible chance of being misquoted.

By asking "tough" questions, all Helen Thomas is going to do is confuse historians, who will in turn confuse our grandchildren, who will in turn confuse their grandchildren into believing that the reason why ALL the dark skin people in the world hate them so much is not because of their "freedom" but because of this mysterious black liquid called "Oil" (which by then, nobody's going to believe in anyway)

Shame on you Helen Thomas ;)

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Today's Cartoon: "Cyclone Larry" Storms Australia

For those of you who may be a little confused by the terminology, let me explain...

The main differences between "Hurricanes" and "Cyclones are that Hurricanes spin counter-clockwise and are created by God, when he's angry at homosexuals; while Cyclones spin clockwise and are the result of emissions released by a secret "Cyborg-Clone" army, created by the Japanese (hence the name "Cyclone").

So the question is, was it really a "Cyclone", or was it one of those homo-hating "Hurricanes" that actually went down on Australia?

Of course, neither have ANYTHING to do with global warming, because "global warming" doesn't exist (except in the minds of "hippies" and "conspiracy theorists"). How do I know this? Because yesterday was the first day of spring and when I stuck my head outside, it was still freezing!

Fortunately for me however, this meant that God wasn't angry and the Japanese "clone army" was still in a continent, far, far away :)

Monday, March 20, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Young Workers Riot Over New Job Law in France

I really don't see what all the fuss is about, in France. There seems to be plenty of work available, as least for "Riot Police" :)

You know, with no job security for those under 26 and little to no job prospects for anyone over 40, that basically gives you a 14 year window of opportunity to dig youself in as deep as you can; and then after that, hang on for dear life.

People can no longer rely on their "senority" or "employee number" to see them to retirement, because sooner or later EVERYONE gets laid off (and the longer it takes, the older you are, the worse off you will be). "Unions" can't protect the workers anymore because unions aren't "globalized" (like their companies) and a sweat shop will NEVER go on strike.

My advice (for what little it's worth), don't waste time trying to find a job; become the job (or better yet, the "career"). If you're going to build and sell a product, then build and sell yourself.

As Bruce Lee once said... "Don't get set into one form, adapt it and build your own, and let it grow, be like water. Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless — like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water my friend. Adapt!"

But why settle for "water", when you can be "OIL" instead? You see, "Oil" can do all the things "water" can do, BUT with the added advantage of being worth a thousand times more, in limited supply/high demand, and having rich people willing to fight each other for it.

Be "Oil" my friend ;)

Friday, March 17, 2006

Today's Cartoon: United States Launches "Operation Swarmer" in Iraq

So what began the day as a "massive air attack" has since been downgraded to a "massive troop deployment", which basically replaces the "Apocolypse Now" visual I had with something more out of "Platoon"... But don't get me wrong; BOTH are very good movies, it was just the "war" that was bad.

What does the United States have against St. Patrick's Day? It seems that it's no longer just a day to pretend you're Irish and drink green beer, but also a day for Iraqis to run for their lives.

Is it because George W. Bush is a recovering alcoholic? If that's the case, then if anybody it's the Irish who should be paying the price for his sobriety; because everyone knows, nothing kills a "buzz" faster than a 500 lbs bunker buster getting dropped on your house.

You know, as difficult as the last three years have been for the Iraqis, it must be even more difficult for the "Irish-Iraqis"; especially around "St. Patrick's Day".

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Today's Cartoon: United Nations Creates New Human Rights Council

Despite strong US opposition, the UN overwhelmingly approved the creation of a new Human Rights Council, and United States is pissed.

How can I tell that they're upset about this? Because the American media has completely ignored the entire story, when you know they would have been all over it, had outcome been reversed.

So just how "overwhelming" was the approval? It passed by a vote of 170 to 4, with Israel, Palau and the Marshall Islands also in opposition.

The concern is that by creating a human rights council that can basically allow any country (with enough votes) to become a member, there's a risk that some of those members may not be best "qualified" for the job. However, this raises the question: Exactly which countries don't violate human rights, nowadays?

Kudos to Palau and the Marshall Islands. Let this be a lesson to the rest of the world. If you want to impress the United States; while not offending your citizens at the same time, this is probably the best (and safest) way to do it ;)

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Israeli Forces Storm Palestinian Prison

You know, if this were to have taken place in the "old west" instead of the "middle east", the Israeli army may have been considered a "lynch mob".

I like how just before the Israeli Army moved in, the British "Monitors" told the staff at the prison that they were just going out to get their car fixed, and then took off.

Now, I don't doubt that they were having car problems. I just think that the "monitors" should have told the Palestinians the WHOLE truth; that the part they needed, they had to get directly from the manufacturer (in Germany) and that the Israeli Army had agreed to babysit Ahmed Saadat for them, until they got back.

Though, I'm sure in the end, cooler heads will prevail (as they always do) and both sides will be able to come together and talk things over peacefully; and this will turn out to be just a big misunderstanding.

After all, this is the "middle east"... not the "old west" ;)

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Lawyer Accused of Coaching Witnesses at Moussaoui Trial

Well, it's certainly not turning into a very good week for the "defense"... in ANY trial.

You know, if the United States wants Zacarias Moussaoui dead that badly, then they should just send him to the International Court in The Hague. I hear that there's now a vacancy in their detention center.

Hey, while they're at it, why not send Saddam Hussein there too; and kill two birds with one stone (do they do "stonings" at The Hague?). They could even be cell mates.

At least then, we could say (in all sincerity) that there was an actual connection between 9/11 and the invasion of Iraq... And that connection is "bunk beds".

Monday, March 13, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Slobodan Milosevic: 1941 - 2006

This is one of those tragic circumstances, where everyone's mind is already made up; and all that any autopsy can possibly serve to do is fuel the speculation that some sort of "conspiracy" is taking place.

Apparently, a blood test (taken before Milosevic's death) revealed traces of a "leprosy" drug which was interfering with other medication he was taking; and may have made him more susceptible to a heart attack. This has lead to the speculation that either the doctors were deliberately trying to kill the former Yugoslavian President or that he was deliberately trying to kill himself.

What ever the case may be (and chances are we will never really know for certain), I'm pretty sure that Saddam Hussein is seriously reconsidering his request to have his trial moved from Baghdad to the Hague.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Today's Cartoon: The United States Renews and Extends "Patriot Act"

I can totally understand why George W. Bush was SO eager to renew the "Patriot Act". Why, if I were the President of the United States, I'd want the "Patriot Act" too; to defend "freedom", perserve "liberty" and maybe earn a couple of extra bucks on the side.

I think the first thing I'd do with the "Patriot Act" is use it to figure out just what the Hell is going on, on "Lost". Who's the guy in the "armory"? Is he one of the "Others"? Do the writers REALLY have it all figured out, or are they just making it up as they're going along?

Next, I would use the "Patriot Act" to wiretap those "1-900" phone sex numbers. And then sell the tapes to the highest bidder ;)

Of course, I would also use the "Patriot Act" to combat "Terrorism". I'd use wire taps to find out which Americans vote on "American Idol", but don't vote in their own presidential elections; and immediately have them sent to Guantanamo Bay.

And then... just before the upcoming congressional elections; I would use the "Patriot Act" to put pornography on the hard drives of EVERY Democrat's computer, and then call the cops.

Remember folks, "absolute power" only "corrupts", when you haven't taken the time to make everything "absolutely" legal first ;)

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Iran Threatens "Harm and Pain" on The United States

You know, I just wish the US and Iran would just get it on and get it over with; and by "getting it on" I don't mean fighting.

I mean c'mon, it's SO obvious to the rest of the world that Iran and the US have a "thing" for each other. The way they insult one another in the press, it reads more like a "schoolyard crush" than a global crisis.

Even the UN has had to step in and basically tell the two countries to go take a cold shower.

You know, I alway invisioned "World War III" would have MUCH more to do with "Space Aliens"; but then you never know... they could always show up tomorrow. However, I don't think martians use oil to power their space ships, so the chances of that are still pretty slim. :)

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Today's Cartoon: New Book Details Barry Bonds Steroid Use

Well, knock me over with a feather! Say, it ain't so! I will never believe in my sports "role-models" again... sniff... sniff. ;)

Honestly, is there anyone out there who doesn't believe that this guy's on the juice?

Personally, I don't think it's a question of "IF" Barry Bonds takes steroids, rather than "WHY" everyone else doesn't take steroids too.

You see, if there is one person to blame for the rampant abuse of performance enhancement drugs in professional sports, it not Barry Bonds... It's ME! I've always demanded that ALL athletes should take steroids (in whatever way, shape or form) in order to preserve "fairness" in "competitive sports"... and I'm glad they're listening to me.

If nobody took steroids, we wouldn't have this problem; but because "some" people deliberately choose to take that advantage then (in the spirit of "competition") it is up to the other athletes to keep pace, and take that "advantage" away from them.

Barry Bonds shouldn't be criticized, he should be applauded for "motivating" the other athletes to "step up" their game.

And for all of you baseball "purists" out there who think that Barry Bonds doesn't deserve to break Hank Aaron's "Home Run" record; consider the fact that when Hank Aaron played... they didn't even test for steroids (and the same goes for Babe Ruth too) ;)

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Today's Cartoon: The 2006 "Oscars"

I think it's a understatement to say that the "Academy Awards" takes itself WAY too seriously.

I watched the awards ceremony last night; and while I couldn't care less about who won (and I still don't), I thought that Jon Stewart did a good job hosting, despite the audience (though I was hoping for a little more "bite" in his humour). But overall, it was still a pretty dull night.

Personally, I think they should stop televising the "Academy Awards" and televise the "Razzies" instead, because I'm tired of the same old boring, lackluster, waterdowned, gun-shy, pseudo-spectacle... every year!

It's like getting force fed boiled cabbage and oatmeal; and being told that it's "steak".

I think the "Oscars" should forget about trying to appeal to large audiences, because by doing so they only open the door for more of us to see just how screwed up Hollywood is. Do they SERIOUSLY think they're SO important, that they can't even laugh at a single joke at their own expense? Or do they have to look to their "publicists" for approval first, to make sure that laughing won't somehow hurt their careers?

The problem with the "Oscars" is that the television audience wants someone like Chris Rock to host, because he'll make fun of whole thing and put it into perspective for us "little people" (which Hollywood doesn't like). While "Hollywood", (truthfully) wants someone like James Liption to host, because he'll not only sing their praises and stroke their egos, but he'll turn that shiny gold statue into the ULTIMATE gift from the GODS!

At least with the "Razzies"; WAY more people have actually seen the nominated movies and the audience in attendance would be in a MUCH better mood. The whole ceremony could even be conducted like a "Friar's Club Roast"(and hosted by Jimmy Kimmel). But most importantly, you'd actually have a show that is FAR more in tune with the demands of the television audience.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Today's Cartoon: South Dakota Moves to Ban Abortion

When I first did my search for a topic, earlier today; the top 2 searches on Technorati were "Abortion" and "Natalie Portman". Initially, I thought the two were somehow connected and in my mind, I IMMEDIATELY began to see about a thousand different "Queen Amidala/Luke Skywalker" cartoons; all about abortion (and yes, they were ALL pretty bad).

Fortunately , this was not the case; and I didn't have to attempt to polish any those "turds" into a "diamond" (whew!).

Actually, it looks like South Dakota is making some serious efforts to ban "abortion" in the state. I only wonder if this desire to preserve life will extend beyond the womb, perhaps they could include something about prevserving helpless animals; or if not that, then what about the helpless hunters who kill them? Remember folks, EVERY sperm is sacred.

BTW, Natalie Portman was on Saturday Night Live and did a pretty funny "Gangsta Rap" video with the guys who also did that "Lazy Sunday" ("Chronicles of Narnia") video.

PS. Are the Oscars over yet? Did, "Memento" win? Sure it was made a few years ago, but it's still like the best damn movie ever.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Today's Cartoon: "Hurricane Katrina" Briefing Leaked to the Public

Wow! Three day's of "breaking" George W. Bush "news".

First, his approval ratings are going down faster than a college chick with low self-esteem, so what does he do? He (personally) invades Afghanistan again ;)

Then, in his absense; a video is leaked to (or by) the press, of a briefing conducted just prior to "Hurricane Katrina", which basically shows the president "receiving", "understanding", "acknowleding" and "accepting" the fact that the sh*t was about to hit the (hurricane force) fan... Which he went on to deny knowing, a few days later.

Man, no wonder this guy doesn't read the newspapers.

But rather than avoid the "news" altogether, I think George W. Bush should just treat all this bad press, the same way someone like Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan (hey did you hear, her tit fell out of her dress?) does. By believing that there is "no such thing as bad publicity". Who cares, if most of the world hates him and he is losing support for his "War on Terror"?... What's important, is whether or not they spelt his name right.

He's not running for re-election; the man is "teflon" and he can do whatever he wants (as he has already proven, time and time again).

Hell, if I were him; I'd start drinking again, just to spite the "nay-sayers". Or... I'd just open up my "Presidential" size bar to members of the media (like White House correspondant David Gregory perhaps). I mean, have you ever tried writing a indepth, scathing review of the Bush Administration while still nursing a hangover?

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Today's Cartoon: George W. Bush's Surprise Visit to Afghanistan

It's been reported that President Bush is travelling with around 5000 security personnel to ensure his safety (and I thought P. Diddy had a large entourage).

To give you some perspective of the security the President of the United States must travel with. Canada just took over command of "Coalition" forces in Afghanistan, with a force of around 2200 troops. So this means that George Bush has a "personal" army that is more than twice the size of the Canada's army in Afghanistan.

No, wonder the guy seems so "chipper" all the time.

Actually, if you watched the "news" today; you probably heard about the protests that were already taking place in India (his "announced" destination), prior to his arrival. Hmmm... Suddenly that the private security force is looking pretty small and that the stop-over in Afghanistan, may not have been long enough.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Today's Cartoon: George W. Bush's Lowest Approval Rating... yet

You have to wonder, at what point does the media decide that oppostion to the Bush Administration is no longer an act partisan politics and accept the fact that (at this point) George W. Bush is an unpopular president (in the United States)?

I REALLY don't want to get into a political debate here (so I won't); but, if opposition to this current administration automatically gets one labelled a "liberal" then according to the latest poll, 66% of Americans are now "liberals". So you have to figure that there is much more at play here than "politics as usual".

While it has already been argued that the latest polls are biased (at 34%) and should be ignored; it begs the question, which "polls" are NOT considered "biased" nowadays? Besides, when the polls numbers are THIS low, is it really worth discussing anyway? I mean, if "bad" poll numbers (biased or not) were going to bring about any sort of change, then wouldn't they have done so by now?

I guess at this point, "polls" are nothing more than something for historians to chuckle over, 50 years from now.

Well, I guess it could be worse for President Bush; at least he's not Tony Blair.