Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Today's Cartoon: The New Ayman Al-Zawahri Video

Since when did the "War on Terror" become a "Gangsta Rap" fued?

You've got two rival groups: the "Westside" and the "Middle-Eastside" each accusing the other of being disrespectful. So they taunt each other in their speeches (raps) and their videos; each released through their own production companies.

Haven't we learned anything from Biggie and Tupac? Or how about Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff... Don't they realize that they have SO much in common... Like a fierce hatred of individual freedom, gay people and a STRONG belief in a "vengeful" God.

If only they could set aside their differences and focus more on their similarities. Think of what beautiful music they could make together... Oh wait, we already have "Death Metal"... nevermind.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Today's Cartoon: ABC's Bob Woodruff Injured in Iraq

Remember back in 2003, when the War in Iraq had just started and the American news media had all those "imbedded" reporters, reporting directly from the "frontlines"? Well, I don't seem to recall any of them getting injured or killed. And THAT was supposedly the fiercest fighting of the "war".

Actually, I do recall Geraldo Rivera nearly got himself "fragged" by American soldiers for giving away troop positions, by drawing maps in the sand. But in hindsight, the actual "War" seemed a lot more peaceful than the "Peace" Iraq is experiencing, since George Bush declared victory.

In Iraq, most members of the mainstream media are kept as safe from the violence as humanly possible. So, the fact that such a prominent figure as the co-anchor of ABC's "World News Tonight" was seriously injured (and nearly killed) by a roadside bomb is quite revealing as to just how bad the situation seems to be in Iraq.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Hamas Wins Palestinian Elections

Whatever happened to "moderates"?
Wow, two major elections this week (Canadian & Palestinian) with two major political shakeups taking place.

In Canada, the Conservative Party was voted into power, mostly in protest to "corruption" claims against the Liberal party. Similarly, Hamas was voted into power, in protest against "corruption" claims made against the Fatah Party. So what can be said about all of this?... This has been a great week for George W. Bush!

Think about it. George has a new friend (Stephen Harper) and a new enemy (Hamas) in the "War on Terror", all in the span of just a few days.

So let me get this straight; if Israel and the United States already view Hamas as a "Terrorist Organization", then I guess it's a safe bet to assume that they will now also view the new Palestinian Authority as a "Terrorist Organization", so this pretty much means that the entire "Peace Process" has basically come to a screaching halt. So, there will be no more negotiations and a line will simply be drawn in the sand and as soon as Hamas makes a move... Watch out!

While I really don't understand how any of this could possibly benefit the Palestinian people; on the other hand, you'd have to think that supporters of Benjamin Netanyahu's Likud Party must REALLY like their chances of getting elected now.

God must be a "Risk" player.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Pope Benedict's First Encyclical

Well, I guess this explains all those late nights the Pope spent surfing the internet. Wow, he really was ONLY researching!

While I can understand and appreciate the intentions behind such a document; doesn't it seem rather odd that the Catholic church has suddenly become an authority on "erotic" love? I thought they were supposed to be celibate.

And honestly, how thorough can this 71 page document be in it's critique on "erotic" love, if they completely shy away from the issue of homosexuality? What about all that "Hot Lesbian Action" that I've been hearing such good things about?!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Stephen Harper Wins Canadian Election

Well, it looks like Stephen Harper is the new Prime Minister of Canada. I have to say though, for all the assistance his media friends/contributors (CanWest, Bell and Rogers) gave him during the campaign, anything less than a majority government must be a bit of a let down.

I like these minority governments. Everything is so delicate and unstable that the Prime Minister can't even fart, without the opposition smelling it. All the parties are forced to learn to work together and compromise on issues or else risk the uncertainty of another election. It's perfect!

Right now, the main talking points in the media are that "Canadians" are tired of having elections; that we want "change” and want our nation to move in a "new direction"... what a bunch of CRAP! It took me less than 5 minutes to vote; it's not exhausting, it's fun. It's the ONLY time Canadians have a say in Parliment; so I say, the more the merrier. Elections are also great because it gets people interested in the issues. Too often with these "majority" governments, one party gets ALL the power and then Canadians completely forget about politics for the next 4 years. We don't seem to realize that it's during these long periods of "neglect" that all the corruption takes place. Politicians (no matter what their political affiliation is) need CONSTANT supervision, because they simply cannot control themselves. By their very nature, politicians are greedy and power hungry. Minority governments allows for such "supervision".

I also don't believe that Canadians are TRULY looking for a new direction in governing. Basically, we just want to see what our options are; and so we are taking the new puppy out for "walkies" (on a VERY short leash) and hope that he doesn't embarrass us, by trying to hump our neighbour's leg.

With the world the way it is right now; if I had the foresight to do so, I would vote for a minority government every single time. Why?... Because it keeps Canada out of trouble. If we are mired in our own domestic squabbling, then that leaves little chance of us getting entangled in any "international affairs", which our "allies" seem to be pressuring us into.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Britain Spies on Russia with "Fake Rocks"

I really don't know who ends up looking worse here. Britain, for getting caught spying on Russia using a network of "fake rocks" in residential parks. Or Russia, for being a former superpower that was actually infiltrated by a network of "fake rocks" in residential parks.

And what exactly is a "fake rock" anyway? The way I see it, if a rock has been hollowed out and has had a transmitter place inside of it... it's still a rock! There is nothing "fake" about an object, if it does absolutely NOTHING to begin with. If anything, I would say that this rock was "multi-tasking" and thus should be given the distinction of a "functioning fossil" instead :)

Monday, January 23, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Alberto Gonzales vs. Google

So, the United States government has decided to combat smut on the internet by looking into the confidential records of popular search engines companies, to find out where this so-called "pornography" is... and who is infact looking at this stuff (Hey!... stop looking at me like that!).

I dunno. I think it's kinda' difficult for them to make the claim that this is STRICTLY in an effort to "protect children", especially when GUNS "harm" far more children each year than the internet does. So, am I to assume that the United States Government is also going to take equally drastic measures to "protect children" by establishing a some sort of gun "Registry" or even a gun ban? ...Probably not.

Lots of people are upset by this move by the Bush Administration. Many Americans feel that this is yet another in a series of unwarranted invasions upon their privacy; yet it's a difficult position to argue against. Supporters of this decision would simply accuse (and dismiss) those who are against it as being "pro-child pornography"; this would prevent any debate on privacy rights from even getting started.

...Say, I wonder if any "Democrats" have ever looked at pornography on the internet. I mean, wouldn't that be embarassing if , let's say, they were running for congress in the upcoming election and (somehow) their opponent found out that he/she was fond of watching little, old grannies wrestle in chocolate pudding... Information like that would probably ruin their campaign, wouldn't it?

Friday, January 20, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Osama Bin Laden's Latest Audio Tape

I always wonder how the United States is able to authenticate these tapes so that not only do they know if it's REALLY Osama Bin Laden, but also when the tapes were actually made.

They never say how they do it, but I have an idea...

Whenever I hear that Osama Bin Laden has released a new audio tape, my first thoughts immediately go back to when I was a kid and I made "mixed" music tapes. Over time as my taste in music changed, so did the songs I listened to: "MC Hammer" was replaced with "Vanilla Ice" which was then replaced by "Right Said Fred" which was finally replaced with "David Hasselhoff"... where it's remained unchanged ever since :)

Perhaps Al Qaeda is using "mixed" tapes to send out their messages; and the way the United States verifies it's actually Bin Laden, is by waiting until after the message to hear what song it was taped over. Not only could they determine that it's really him, by the kind of music he listens to but also when the tape was made by what was popular at the time. For example, if the tape ends with the latest by "Nickelback" or "Beyonce", you'd know for certain that this was a recent message; but if the tape ended with something old like Aqua's "Barbie Girl", then you'd have to assume he's either dead... or at least in a LOT of pain.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Today's Cartoon: The Plot to Kidnap Tony Blair's Son

You may remember the "Father's 4 Justice" from previous publicity stunts, including dressing up as superheroes and breaking into Buckingham Palace and attacking Tony Blair with bags of purple powder; all this in an effort to raise the issue of father's rights.

Publicity stunts are a great way to bring attention to a cause... but I'm not so sure that dressing up like "Batman" and throwing around bags of powder (which could easily be mistaken for something like ANTHRAX!) is the best way to go about convincing the courts that you deserve more time around your children.

But then, what the Hell do I know about raising children? The only 2 things I understand about kids, is that they can't hold their liquor and they can't keep a secret :)

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Mayor Ray Nagin's "Chocolate" New Orleans

Why is it that on “Martin Luther King Day”, politicians in the United States feel the strong need to publicly humiliate themselves? It seems that in recent years this designated day of remembrance has become more of an opportunity for political leaders to unload their frustrations, by trying to draw parallels to Dr. Martin Luther King, in some of the worst speeches I’ve ever heard.

Suddenly, every politician thinks they’re Martin Luther King; and wants unleash they’re own “I have a dream” speech on captive audiences, who have gathered to remember the fallen civil rights leader. Unbeknownst to them, what they are REALLY there to do is bare witness to the grand spectacle of political grandstanding!

Please, NO more speeches on national holidays or days of remembrance! If you are in a large group and feel the sudden urge to give a speech then why not just put those words into action yourself… and let the people remember that day for it’s historical significance, not for being the day you ended your political career with that crazy-ass speech.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Al Gore's "Martin Luther King Day" Speech

Wow! You know that Democrats have fallen a long way since the Clinton Administration, when the former Vice President actually compares their plight to that of Dr. Martin Luther King.

Sure, I understand that George Bush’s wiretaps can impose upon the privacy of ALL American citizens, but something tells me that Al Gore and other prominent Democrats have WAY more to hide than some grocery clerk in Tulsa Oklahoma, and most likely none of it has anything to do with “terrorism”. In my opinion, Gore’s speech wasn’t about protecting “civil rights” or preserving the Constitution; as much as it was about ensuring the political “survival” of the Democratic Party.

The Bush Administration must REALLY hate Democrats if they are indeed trying to impose the same tactics that were used in an effort to suppress the civil rights movement, to prevent any of them from being elected in the 2006 mid-term elections. Remember, if the Democrats take control of Congress, they COULD impeach the President

So, what’s next? Separate water fountains in the Senate?

Monday, January 16, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Judge Resigns From Saddam Hussein Trial

So, let me see if I have this one straight; the judge of the Saddam Hussein trial wants to quit the case, but the government is trying to persuade him to stay on. Now I’m no lawyer, but I have think that if you’ve got a judge who fully admits that he doesn’t want the case, then the chances of getting a mistrial should be pretty easy… but then, this is Saddam Hussein we’re talking about.

If critics have already referred to this as nothing more than a media show-trial and a “kangaroo court”, then I say just go ahead and replace the judge with an actual kangaroo. At least if they did this, the court wouldn't have to worry about anymore judges quitting on them… just so long at there was plenty of grass and roots behind the bench.

This way the enemies of Saddam Hussein can have the satisfaction of hearing his endless appeals fall on the (large) deaf ears of a marsupial; while critics of the trial (and even Saddam Hussein himself) can have the satisfaction of knowing that they were right all along.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Iran's Nuclear Program

Forget about the oil shortages; it's situations like THIS that should serve as motivation for developing alternative forms of energy. I mean, it's not as if Holland is threatening its neighbours with huge gusts of wind.

Personally, I think that the ONLY reason why Canada has never tried to build a nuclear bomb is because we have a hard enough time dealing with regular winter, nevermind trying to cope with a "Nuclear Winter". I don't know what would be worse, the nuclear fallout or SHOVELLING the nuclear fallout. Brrr!

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Angelina Jolie and Colin Farrell

Man, they should change that guy's name from Colin Farrell to Colin "Feral", cause that dude's an animal and belongs in a cage :) I swear, if Steve Guttenberg suddenly comes out with a sex tape then you have to know that these "leaks" are nothing more than publicity stunts aimed at saving or resurrecting troubled careers.

Why is Steve Guttenberg always the butt of "failed career" jokes anyway? The man was "Mahoney" for crying out loud! (Edit: OMFG! Steve Guttenberg DID have a sex tape, back in the 80's!!!)

As for Angelina Jolie's baby; all I can say is that I hope it's a boy, because if her and Brad Pitt's love child happens to be a girl, then they'll probably make her 18th birthday a national holiday for creepy old men... which, by my calculations would probably be ME :)

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Bird Flu in Turkey

I don't know what is scarier about this bird flu outbreak in Turkey, the fact that it's quickly spreading westward towards the rest of Europe; or that parents allow their children to play with dead chicken heads. I REALLY don't want to get sick because of children playing with dead chicken heads. In that case, it might as well have been me that played with those dead chickens. At least that way I would have some control over the situation.

When I was a kid, I did a lot of dumb things, but none of them spawned a global flu pandemic. Although, I did know a few kids that gave themselves worms by eating dirt; but fortuately you can always prevent an outbreak of stupidity by not taking part in it.

It's only when that "stupidity" mutates that we are all forced to join in the fun :)

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Howard Stern Moves to Satellite Radio

I wonder if Howard Stern was not truly defined by his epic struggles with the FCC. He seemed to be at his absolute best when he was forced deal with censors and fines and work his way around all of the regulations that were put upon him.

I guess at the end of his run on commercial radio, he really had no other choice but to either compromise, or move his show to satellite; and I'm glad that he chose the latter, but part of me wonders if all this "freedom" might be too much for him to deal with. I mean, what is the purpose of being totally uncensored, if there is no risk of getting in trouble anymore?

It kinda reminds me of the movie "The Shawshank Redemption", where the immates spend their entire adult lives in prison, dreaming of the day they get out; and when that day finally comes, they realize that they've been institutionalized for too long and they can't adjust to their new found "freedom". They've become too accustomed to the strict rules and severe punishment of prision life, that the outside world is just too overwhelming for them.

Also, if you're a believer in "Free Speech" then being forced to pay $14 a month for "civil rights" probably means that there has got to be a lot more going on for it than simply listening in on a high school locker room. Now, I'm sure he will always have his core audience, but I wonder if he will be able to hold onto his larger audience, now that the FCC is no longer around to keep reminding us how "evil" Howard Stern is.

I guess "relevance" now replaces "censorship" as the main obstacle for Howard to overcome.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Today's Cartoon: The Hajj Pilgrimage to Mecca

Watching the "news" yesterday, I found it rather strange to see that while "non-muslims" are forbidden to enter the city of Mecca, "non-muslim" companies are not.

Mecca is the most holy city in Islam, but that doesn't seem to prevent companies like "Burger King", "Kentucky Fried Chicken" and (Paris)"Hilton Hotels" from setting up shop. I always believed that Muslim's were fearful of "Western" culture and influence in the region; but that doesn't seem to prevent them from taking a break from their pilgrimage to line up for a "Whopper". So, while I guess the cultural "influence" of the West may be a bad thing, the MONEY it generates is a very good thing; and is simply something that cannot be passed up.

Either that, or I had no idea that Colonel Sanders was Muslim :)

Friday, January 06, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Ariel Sharon Hospitalized

I think it was a very wise decision that they immediately handed power over to Deputy Prime Minister, Ehud Olmert; because you never know who may try to take advantage of Sharon's current condition.

Somebody could sneak into his hospital room, put a pen in his hand and then force the comatosed Prime Minister to sign absolutely anything; from an authorization to reclaim the Gaza Strip to launching a full scale assault against Iran. ...And don't tell me that Benjamin Netanyahu didn't give it any thought :)

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Today's Cartoon: David Letterman vs. Bill O'Reilly

Letterman forgot to mention that although 60 percent of what O'Reilly says may be "crap", the other 40 percent of what he says are wonderful low fat dessert recipes, and they are "delicious" :)

So what if Bill O'Reilly isn't 100% truthful, who is? When I was a kid I never believed that "Hulkamania" was actually "running wild", but I still watched wresting. You see, that's because wrestling is not really a "sport". It's called "sport entertainment".

Maybe that's the problem with the "news" today; it's not news anymore, it's "news entertainment". People don't watch Bill O'Reilly to be informed, they watch him to be entertained; and there is no denying that he does a fantastic job at that, right? :)

You can watch the actual interview over at "Crooks and Liars".

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Jack Abramoff & Political Corruption

"Politics" is probably the most competitive field of work that you could go into; that's why I can never understand this level of corruption. What makes these people think that they won't get caught. They ALWAYS get caught! People base their entire careers on sniffing out the corruption of others (if only to provide a smokescreen for their own corruption).

Entering the field of politics is like joining a gang. By affiliating yourself with one political party, you automatically make enemies out of ALL the others. Therefore, if you know your opponents are constantly looking for ways to take you down, why the hell would you attempt a scam like this... and make their job THAT much easier?

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Today's Cartoon: Farris Hassan's Field Trip to Iraq

You know, I really hated these kinds of kids when I was in school. They pretend to do all this EXTRA research and suck-up to the teacher just to score extra marks, but at the end of the day, they still write a godawful essay; but that doesn't matter because they've tricked the teacher into believing they're geniuses. I mean seriously, how can this guy possibly score an "F" now, with all the media attention he's getting?

When I was in school, I couldn't even motivate myself to go down to the library to do research for a term paper. What's wrong with this guy? He didn't have to travel all the way to Iraq; hasn't he ever heard of newspapers, magazines, internet blogs... FOX News?! Oh... right.

You know this has got to make the cable news companies feel REALLY bad, knowing that even children are now questioning their integrity and are even willing to risk their young lives to go out and get the "News" for themselves.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Today's Cartoon: George W Bush's New Year's Resolution

Say what you will about George Bush, but you can't deny that he knows how to handle the press:)

I guess MY only resolution is to ensure that I keep up with these web comics... so that I can make the exact same resolution again next year.

I hope you are enjoying the cartoons and that you will all continue to stop by and check out my work throughout 2006. Each weekday I will post a new cartoon, based on the top news stories of the day.

All the best for a happy and safe 2006!